Greetings and welcome to another journal post. Today’s post is the first during which I have felt the crippling self doubt and fear that plagues me. Having had a productive Tuesday, even managing to sit through a whole episode of my pet hate ‘GoggleBox‘ and made some good notes for my future tirade and other TV shows which to review plus getting to watch two great movies ‘The Purge‘ and ‘The Purge: Anarchy‘.
I begun to feel the old feelings of self doubt, the voices in my head always finding new ways to take shots at what I am doing or my current situation like some internal Xfactor judging panel or Statler and Waldorf. “no-one reads this” “no-one cares” “your failing at life” “no point in trying you’ll only fail anyway” these and many other shots at my situation like Statler and Waldorf from ‘the muppet show’ laughing away at my situation, despite this I have been continuing to write my blog and keeping busy doing working on my objectives for the year. The problem is that these feelings strike at the very areas and issues which I know are areas in which I need improvement and as such increase my unwillingness to even try, even if I find a methodology of dealing with a particular fear or anxiety my own Statler and Waldorf just move on to another topic or find a way to say the same thing but differently.
I have noticed also that singletons( single people) are totally unrepresented on television, it’s always couples or families, never a single person which has the insidious effect of creating negative feelings about my own worthiness and ability to love another person or sustain a meaningful relationship. Wednesday was going along on much the same path as Tuesday with me feeling very negative about pretty much everything in my life, Until the strangest and most wonderful thing happened, I was out of the house doing some chores and other tasks with my oyster card holder which contains my bank card, library card and oyster card having finished my tasks I returned home and was just making a cup of tea to recover from the rain when a someone posted said card holder through my letter box, having not even noticed that I had dropped it I was more than surprised to see it, a short while later I received a text message from the person who had done this explaining that they had found it on the street and had google’d me and found my address(a little scary) and then returned the wallet, I sent them a thankful email and SMS message expressing my gratitude and wish that their act of kindness was reciprocated.
This simple act has improved my own mood dramatically and has restored some of my faith in humanity a little. So far this week I have been neglecting my new health regime mainly due to the weather(rain)but I have been reading about the benefits of T’ai Chi and am going to incorporate it into my calisthenics routine and a hoping that I can find the determination to keep the exercising and healthy eating up for a consistent period. Tomorrow sees my regular TV review post so until then